i'm leaving... with a heavy heart...

finally got the diagnosis today..


pretty bad news.. worse of all, it's some uncommon kind of cancer..

i guess we all felt the same way.. all three of us stood there.. all slient.. while she was the only one asking the doc qns.. i guess we literally froze when we heard the news..

i googled.. it's very aggressive.. v uncommon.. and seriously, even the doc is baffled at how she kena it.. it's just not justifiable! life's just so unfair..

she's really strong.. told me to go for my trip and dun worry.. dad told me the same thing later in the night.. "go have fun..." he said.. noticed i didn't use an exclaimation mark.. they all wanted me to stop worrying and just go.. and like i said, i will be leaving but with an extremely heavy heart..

i told one of my tourmates of the news.. she asked if i still have the mood to have fun.. well, what can i do? i told her not to talk about it during the trip.. afterall, life goes on right?

have prepared myself for the worst.. i almost teared when we walked out of the doc's room.. but thankfully i managed to control.. i was really quiet.. didn't want to say much.. also no mood to say anything..

all the feeling inside me now.. the moment i think about the future, i start to tear.. holding it all back know.. just dunno when it'll just burst out..

hope this trip will help brighten my mood a little.. and when i'm back, i have a clearer mind to steer the family ahead..

n i thot she wld lend a listening ear...

she's prob the only friend who knows abt the matter cos she is the only friend whom i chat w online almost everday.. yet when i start telling her abt how lousy my last wkend was.. she didn't reply at all.. it is not tt she's busy cos i did ask her if she was and she said she was alright.. even diverted the whole topic to ask me reply to a friend in fb regarding a particular msg i posted earlier on..

i dun need pple to pity me nor do i need someone to emphatize with me.. i juz need someone to steer me towards a more positive path.. n i thot she cld help do tt but i was wrong..

thx fen n bun for ur msgs.. i din reply cos i din know to.. and i cldn't.. a simple msg n my eyes all welled up with tears.. one more day n praying tt things will get better..

:-(

this morning, she said she feels that they will admit after the results are out on tues.. put her on drip n all.. then she said she don't want anyone to visit her except for the 3 of us... she said she is prepared for death since she is already at this age..

she said she has been living in pain for 4mths.. first 2 mths, she din tell anyone abt the pain cos she thot it was juz muscle ache..

each time she talks, she coughs.. i hv never seen her so weak n it really hurts me to see her suffering like that.. if only i can transfer her pain to me.. :(

u will b fine

mum came into my room this morning and sat down on my bed while i was getting ready for work.. now.. this is something she doesn't do.. usually when she wants to talk to me, she just call my name or wait till i walk into the same room with her and then starts the conversation... today, after she sat on my bed, she told me she doesn't wan us to worry abt her.. that she has confidence in herself.. that it is nothing serious.. she has been exercising so many years so shd b nothing.. i din reply her cos i din know wat to say.. then she saw me applying blusher to my face n said so now i paint my face before i go to work.. i said, i hv been doing it for a long time n jus left the room to wash my hands..

i know she is worried.. be it for herself or pple ard her.. i heard her saying she wun b satisfied if she is diagnosed with it.. cos she has been exercising.. in fact, she has been so strong throughout her life for as long as i know her.. this is the weakest she has ever been.. i cld sense it when i was on a trip w her last wkend.. she was panting after walking dup/down the stairs.. or maybe i wasn't so observant previously?

really hope it is nothing serious.. sigh..

worried

pray that she will be fine.. please..

:|

心理不平衡？

胡思乱想？

误会了？

想太多了。。。

好可笑。。。

sensitive

it is tt time of the year where we get paid our vb.. payout was a little lower than my expectations but still ok..

some pple got promoted n some received less than average payout..

some happy, some pissed.. so how do u deal w this situation? i m stuck in the middle..

seriously, she definitely deserved more than wat she got.. kinda makes me feel if it is really worth putting in so much effort... will i end up like her? i m sure she feels cheated.. :(